I finally did it...I finally reconciled the ideas of being both gay and christian. This was the note where I brought the two together:
Balancing Religion and Homosexuality
By Casey Wooley
Okay everybody, I'm feeling contemplative tonight, and thoughts of religion and God have been on my mind as of late, with everything going on the world, and the death of a dear-friend at work, I wanted to take a moment to explain how I feel about balancing my faith in God with my homosexuality.
Let me first clarify something, because religion can come in many contexts, and I want to tell people who may not have always seen it in me, I am a God-fearing man, somebody who has been a saved, born again Christian since he was 12 years old.
Now how is being a catholic different from being a Christian--well very simply, to be Catholic means that you go to a Catholic church who teaches Christian principles from a Catholic version of a Christian Bible. Christians and Catholics can be two very different things, but they can also be one in the same, it all depends on where your heart lies. I identify myself as a Christian, because I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior, and understood years ago, just as I do now, that he's the only way to Heaven. To be Catholic, you can believe those very same principles, or very simply, you can go to a Catholic church. I don't believe just being a "good person" makes you a Christian. Just as people who went to the Southern-Baptist church I went to may not be a Christian, and some who go there are. Again, it's where your heart lies.
Now, before I delve into the issue at hand, the reconciliation of my homosexuality with my Christianity, I want you to know, that I understand that there are many out there who do not believe as I do. There are many who may not be Christians, many who are religious, and many who don't support my ways as a homosexual. I'm not here to judge you, nor do I wish your judgement upon me. These are merely my thoughts on the subject, and my feelings, so please be respectful of them.
Now we delve into the conversation at hand:
I have been asked many times how being gay plays a part in my Christian day-to-day beliefs. And for many years, and still now, I don't necessarily know that I have the answer to this. A few years ago I wrote a blog on my Myspace where I attempted to explain away the parts of the Bible where it talks about homosexuality, and reason with God as many attempt to do. I think I can finally come to a point in my life where I can I say that I really don't have an answer to this, because of two very different conflicting feelings inside of me.
Now, on one hand, I have always felt the attraction to other men in my life, as far back as I can remember. I can recall times in high school attractions to other guys, but even more so, I can recall times in junior high, attractions to other boys. As I have grown the attractions have become more real. As a boy, I didn't necessarily know how to deal with these. Now, on the other hand, I have my Christian beliefs, the principles that whatever the Bible teaches is the Law, that the Bible is infallable.
Now, place yourself in my shoes at the age of 12, 13, 14 years old when these feelings first started to present themselves to me. I had my most cherished beliefs challenging the very feelings I had rumbling around inside of me. At the time it was very easy to push the feelings to a very dark place that I couldn't see or even draw from for a very long time. But, as I matured physically, emotionally, and spiritually, those feelings resurfaced, over and over again. I recall writing in my journal back in 1999 after hearing a rumor about another student in my grade that others had thought I was gay. I remember asking myself in the journal, and I recall reading the journal entry just last year, asking myself "am I gay?"
It was at this point that I indeed first questioned it. But, fearing what admitting to anybody, including myself, would bring about, again I pushed it back into a place that I couldn't draw from. I found solice in the church, and doing the work of the Lord. And that's what I did. Through high school, to avoid the emptiness I had on the inside, and the void left by very few friends because of it, I worked at the church, directing a vacation bible school, teaching sunday school, and serving as best as I could.
As I entered college, I found solice in other things--the ability to experience new things. I was introduced to a new world of critical thinking, that I first rejected. Suddenly, for the first time in my life, I had others saying "it's okay to be gay," or "it's okay to be different." Acceptance was everywhere, yet everything I ever believed, everything I was ever taught told me to reject these claims--to be gay was to be a sin, was against God's will. I held onto my ways through my freshmen year of college, still teaching Sunday School, and staying involved with those who had helped me through junior high and high school. I even became a youth leader.
But then, sophomore year is when I finally experienced the final straw to break the camel's back, perse. I became a Resident Advisor, and instead of just having people tell me "it's okay to be gay, " and "it's okay to be you," I was the one who had to make these claims to others who may very well have been experiencing them. I accepted all but one--the belief that being gay was in fact okay, that it wasn't a sin. I spent many nights in my boss's office talking about it, about not letting my personal beliefs influence the work I was doing as an RA.
As I traversed my way through my first year on staff, I slowly began to understand that in fact there was a whole other world that existed beyond Westland, and beyond my church. And slowly my commitment to God wained. Being an RA and being a Sunday School teacher became too much, and I gave up my duties as a Sunday School teacher. Eventually I found a group of friends who, after many times of reassurance they were my friends, accepted me for me. Eventually I soon made the decision to accept people for who they were, even if that meant they were gay. Yet, during all this time, I knew I was battling my own demons on my inside. I knew I was attracted to men and I knew that I wasn't attracted to women. But I still wasn't ready to admit it to myself, or anybody around me. I still wasn't ready to actually say the words to myself that I was "gay."
Then came the fateful evening where I began to blog, and blog to myself. I started a Microsoft Word document on my computer, relieving much of the stress I was having from being an RA. In it, I began describing various residents, and their antics, and just allowed it to help vent off all the emotions. But one night, I wrote even deeper--I used it as an opportunity to describe myself. I used it as an opportunity to finally describe who I was. I started to list all of the attributes of who I was, and then I broke down and wrote it--"I'm Casey, and I'm gay." I couldn't believe I finally made the actual decision to admit it to myself that I was, in fact, attracted to men, and even more so, I was gay.
It was at that point that life became as clear as it could be. But, it was at that point that I also realized that it was something I could never tell anybody. I couldn't tell anybody about it, because it would change my life too radically. I could keep it under wraps, I could keep it secret, I could live a life as a straight man if I wanted to, and that is exactly what I intended to do. But, I kept writing, I kept writing about my attractions to various people, and for the first time I felt a very liberating experience in admitting something that I had never admitted before.
As the end of the year slowly came to a close, I began to wain on wanting to attend church anymore, attend sunday school anymore, because in my heart I "knew" I was sinning against God. I couldn't keep the charade up anymore with church, with the people who had been in my life for so long. And so, one day I didn't go. The next Sunday I didn't go, and eventually I stopped going all together. I know it hurt my mom the most, because it was a tradition that the three of us (Ryan, Mom, and myself) would all go, but I just couldn't feed the lie anymore. I know my mom suffered because she thought I stopped believing in God, which couldn't be farther from the truth. I always kept my belief in God, I just simply lost the focus for a while.
As the next school year came into view, I was going to ride out the lie that I committed to msyelf--that I was straight. I couldn't fully admit it. The pressure kept building, and the friendships I had built became stronger and stronger. And then, I remember sitting in my room, online, talking with a friend of mine, and for some reason I felt it was time to tell just one person--somebody I could trust. And I told her I had something to tell her, and sobbing like a baby I blurted it out online. With it I listed all the reasons why I couldn't be, why it was wrong, what my parents would do if they found out, and everything I had been keeping pent up for years and years. But somehow she comforted me. Her reaction was accepting, and she comforted me. And she told me something that I held true until the day I came out to my family, "you can't keep living a lie, eventually you'll have to tell people."
Slowly throughout that year, I did just that, I started to tell people whom I was close to the truth, and with everybody came a sense of comforting and a burden being lifted off of me. As my senior year of college came into perspective, I was entering my third year of being on staff, and I was feeling pretty good. I wasn't out, but I was out to all those in my life whom I cared about, minus my family. But, the pressure was still mounting. I would eventually have to tell my family. September of 2004 was an extremely hard time. My cousin Rachel killed herself, and I found myself rebattling with the issues of Christianity and my homosexuality. I saw my pastor several times at the viewings, and the funeral, and I saw people whom were part of my life previously, whom I had slipped away from. I felt they all knew, and that they were judging me, which just made me frustrated and upset. Though they probably weren't judging me, they all wondered why I had left, and I just chalked it up to growing up in college, never admitting why I did. When Rachel killed herself, I went into a downward spiral. I failed all of my classes, and I was feeling the pressure of the homosexuality weigh me down. In fact, it got so bad, that I had put the knife to my wrist one night because I wanted to end the pain, for it to all go away, and killing myself in fact would have been easier than telling me family. But knowing what Rachel had done to the family, all the hurt inside, I put it down, and realized there were better ways to deal with it.
I finally snapped in November after all of the stress just got to be too much, and I found myself to a guidance counselor within the First Year Center and I exploded in tears to him everything and anything on my chest, and everything I was balancing--from religion to my sexuality, to my cousin, to wanting to leave the staff of the residence hall, to everything. And finally for the first time I was being honest with myself, and with another person. Logically, step by step, he walked me through everything, and helped me realize that keeping it a secret was what was eating me up, and that I would eventually have to make that step to telling all in my life.
After the semester ended, I did indeed leave my position as an RA and for the first time I was able to work on my problems, and not on the problems of others on my floor. And it was during this time period, in the early part of 2005 that I finally figured out who I was. It was time to admit to everybody that I was in fact, gay. And in May of 2005, I came out to all my friends, and even more importantly my family.
It's hard to explain the place you have to get to in order to come out to the most important people in your life. Imagine the worst possible place, the worst possible outcome that you could experience by telling your loved ones something you think they'd never want to hear, and then imagine, being okay with it. For me, I had to put myself into an alternate reality where my family would reject me, and kick me out of their lives because of something I had no choice in. And then, I had to imagine myself in that reality, being able to survive with it, being okay with it. On that faithful May day, I was able to place myself there, and for a 24-hour period, before making the announcement, I lived in a very dark and lonely hole with no comfort from anybody.
The reason why you have to place yourself there, is because anything else that is less than that, anything less severe, is that much easier to swallow, is that much easier to deal with. Thankfully the worst case possible scenario did not happen with my parents, or my family, and life in fact because less of a burden, and I was finally able to breathe without the weight of the homosexual world upon me. I remember making a phone call to my friend Justin on the way home, saying "I did it." And I really remember, a simple change that meant all the difference-- changing the "interested in" option on Myspace and Facebook to "men."
My mom found solice in my pastor, which made things for me even more difficult in trying to reconcile my homosexual world and my christian world. She found solice in her family, in which she attempted to garner any kind of negative reaction from my aunts, my uncles, yet all she found was collective comments of support for me. Ultimately the general consensus was "he's still Casey, so big deal." And because of that, my life went from "under pressure" to "he's just Casey," a feeling that is too liberating to put down in words here.
My dad, a few weeks after I came out sat me down and we talked more about it--something I never expected. In that conversation he again conveyed how much he loved me, and that nothing I could have brought to them would have in fact made them stop loving me. He told me that he wished I wasn't gay because of how difficult my road ahead would be, but he also said that if I am lucky enough to find somebody in life to share life's ups and downs with, and whom I love and who loves me, then he'll support me in it. That was almost three years ago, and those are probably the most comforting words I still replay in my head.
As I said, my mom did find solice in my pastor. And as I said, it made it more difficult to reconcile my homosexual world with my Christian world. And that, is, what I guess would bring me here to you, to this place. In the three years since I admitted to myself and to my family that I was gay, it's been a hard road, trying to figure out exactly what makes me tick, but I've ultimately come to this conclusion:
My name is Casey Wooley. I'm 25 years old, with, in my opinion, an optimstic attitude on life. I'm a Christian, because of my belief in Jesus Christ when I was 12 years old, and my belief now. I'm a Wooley, proud son of Chuck and Sheilah, and brother of Ryan. I love writing, and am passionate about treating everybody in this world with the respect they deserve. Oh yeah, I happen to like guys too. I graduated from Eastern Michigan University with a Bachelor of Science Degree in Communication, and a minor in journalism. My friends and family mean the world to me. Overall I'm a fun-loving, yet studious, and respectful person who will brighten your day.
You see, I'm able to reconcile the fact that I'm gay and I'm a Christian, because neither is an overwhelming characterstic of me. They both make up a part of who I am. One doesn't dominate the other. As far as answering to what the Bible says about homosexuality--I don't have answer for that, and I think I'm okay with that. You know why? Because, IF being gay is a sin, like the bible says, then my sin is no worse than yours. The Bible does say that all have sinned and fall short of the glory God. As such, my "sin" of being gay gets me no closer to hell than your sin--whatever it may be. The Bible also does say that nothing will pluck me from the hand of God--which in my opinion means, that no sin is great enough to remove me from the Love of God once I have made the decision to accept him into my heart. Eventually I'll have to answer for it, I get that. But my ultimate response to God very simply will be, as His word says "God, I deserve Heaven, because your son died for my sins, and I accepted Him as my personal Lord and Savior when I was 12 years old."
There are many in this world who cannot say that. There are also many in this world who would condemn me, because I'm living the life of a sinner. I'll admit, I've fallen short of living God's plan for my life, and it's something that I'm missing. And eventually, hopefully, that's something I will reconcile. But make no mistake--I still believe in God. I still believe in Jesus Christ. I still believe in God's plan of Salvation, and I still KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if I were to die today, right now, typing this, that I'm going to be opening my eyes in Heaven. I reconcile my "religion" and my homosexuality, because of my faith in God. My hope lies in Jesus, not in those in this world who would seek to judge me.
Comments are welcome, but even more so, I would love to engage any questions you may have. This blog wasn't hate-filled, nor did it judge you. It merely states where I stand on a very important issue in my life, so please be respectful with any comments you may have. Thanks for reading!
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